Create More Calm in Your Life (by Defaulting to Curiosity)

Read time: 4 minutes

I want you to create a meaningful life that’s enjoyable and sustainable—so you can focus on what matters most to you in both work and life.

However, conflict and disagreements are part of the deal. Whether it’s at work, with a friend, or even with family, certain conversations can quickly escalate, pulling you into defense mode. You start worrying about being misunderstood or feeling like you need to “win.” Before you know it, the conversation feels like a battle rather than an opportunity for understanding.

What if the real solution isn’t about fighting harder or shutting down?

Instead of pressing to prove your point or shutting down when someone disagrees, try something different—defaulting to curiosity.

The Impact of Curiosity in Conflict

So, why does curiosity work so well in conflict?

When you approach a disagreement with curiosity, it’s like flipping the script. Instead of the conversation feeling like a tug-of-war, it becomes a chance to understand the other person’s perspective. Curiosity shifts the focus from being “right” to being “understood” and “understanding.”

Think about it—when was the last time a conversation escalated into a disagreement because someone didn’t feel heard?

Maybe it was over clutter, bad habits, work schedules, performance reviews, family differences, or anything else that tends to spark tension.

I’ve been in conversations like that in my professional and personal life. And over the years, as I’ve focused on my growth, I learned to stop pressing harder with my point. Instead, I took a step back and asked a simple question: “Help me understand why this matters to you” (or some variation of this).

It’s a small shift, but it changes everything. The tension melts away, and the conversation becomes more collaborative.

Here’s why it works: curiosity creates connection.

When you stop trying to defend your side, you open the door for the other person to share. And when they feel heard, they’re more likely to listen to you.

Defaulting to Curiosity

I’m not here to talk theory, so let’s get tactical. How do you start shifting to curiosity in those moments?

Let’s follow a SHIFT framework to make this easy to remember.

S: Stop & Breathe

The first step is simple: pause. Don’t react right away. Give yourself a moment to breathe and step back from the immediate impulse to defend your position.

H: Hear & Acknowledge

Once you’ve given yourself that space, it’s time to truly Hear & Acknowledge the other person. The goal is to listen with the intent to understand. Acknowledge their feelings or perspective, even if you don’t fully agree with them.

I: Inquire & Explore

Instead of thinking about your next clapback, focus on discovering why they feel the way they do. Here are a few questions to try the next time a conflict arises:

• What’s most important to you in this situation?
• Can you help me see where you’re coming from?
• What do you need me to understand about this?

The magic happens when you stop trying to convince the other person of your point of view and instead focus on learning theirs. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets.

F: Find Common Ground

Look for areas where your values or goals align, even if you don’t agree on everything. This helps shift the conversation from a battle to a collaborative problem-solving space.

T: Take the Lead

Use the insights you’ve gained to guide the conversation toward a more productive and solution-oriented direction. You’re not just passively listening—you’re actively steering the conversation toward mutual understanding and resolution.

This might mean summarizing what you’ve heard to ensure both sides are understood, or gently guiding the conversation back to the main issue if it starts to veer off-track.

By taking the lead, you help ensure the conversation stays constructive, focused, and forward-moving.

But even with these steps, there are a few things that could trip you up along the way.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Here’s what might trip you up on this journey:

1. Old habits: It’s easy to fall back into defending your position, especially when it’s become second nature. Don’t get discouraged—just pause and try again.
2. Discomfort: Asking questions and deeply listening can make you feel vulnerable. You might fear losing control, but curiosity is a strength, not a weakness. It’s about gaining clarity, not giving up power.
3. Impatience: This shift takes time. It’s not about changing the other person—it’s about how you show up. The more you embrace curiosity, the more you’ll see the rewards, but change doesn’t happen overnight.
   
   

The Bottom Line

So, why does this matter?

Curiosity transforms conflict from a source of stress into an opportunity for growth.

You create space for deeper, more meaningful relationships by defaulting to curiosity. You’ll feel less anxious and more empowered to handle tough conversations with confidence.

And here’s the best part: peace.

You’ll engage in conversations with less fear of feeling misunderstood. Over time, this builds a foundation of trust that makes your personal and professional life feel more connected and fulfilling.

Your next step? The next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, SHIFT to curiosity.

• S: Stop & Breathe
• H: Hear & Acknowledge
• I: Inquire & Explore
• F: Find Common Ground
• T: Take the Lead

I hope you give it a try. It’ll change the way you approach conflict for good.

See you next week.